Tuesday, 9 March 2010

I've got nothing to do today but smile...

I've recently discovered that you can't be happy for too long before something bad happens.

Is this God trying to tell me that you're only allowed a certain amount of happiness? Why is it when one good thing happens one bad thing follows it behind like a bad smell? Quite literally If yesterday is anything to go by.

I sat on the train from London to Bournemouth yesterday thinking about the lovely weekend I had just had, and how happy it had made me. I was then rudely interrupted in my thoughts by an adolescent male sitting behind me and "accidentally" kicking the back of my chair as he sat down with his Ipod blaring. He had been sitting down for about 20 seconds when it hit me. That well loved stench of BO. This wasn't subtle like the dirty kid at school that everyone knew about, who just didn't wash quite as much as is socially acceptable. This was proper, full on, never heard of a shower before, BO.

If I wasn't so lazy I probably would have moved seats. In fact it would have been extremely easy for me to get up and move, but it's the principle more than anything.

Actually no, that isn't exactly true...it's mainly just the fact that I'm lazy.

Today the sun is shining and I'm happy and I feel very lucky with how well things are going at the moment...

...and my throat has just started to hurt and I have a headache coming on and a hell of a lot of work to catch up with and I have just received an email telling me my house failed its inspection and we need to clean it top to bottom before tomorrow or we will pretty much get blacklisted.

Swings and roundabouts?

Monday, 22 February 2010

People Watching

Housemate obviously hasn't heard the phrase 'leave it how you found it'. Every morning without fail, either myself or R enter the bathroom to discover dirt, dust, sock fluff and pubic hair clogging up the plughole. It takes approximately 10 seconds to rinse out the bath, but even this seems to be too much effort for some people. That isn't all though. You can trust that the sink will also be covered in spat out toothpaste and food debris. I suppose he thinks that it's a good enough job that he actually brushes his teeth. Let me tell you it's not. I could also mention the fact that he leaves the toilet seat up EVERY SINGLE TIME, but let's just say that's hardly a surprise all things considered.

Neighbours haven't yet realised that if you leave your lights on and your curtains open at night people can and will see inside your house and discover all your dirty little secrets.

Like the fact that your having a domestic in your kitchen. Husband definitely just got slapped by wife 3 times. Wife is now throwing plates on the kitchen floor while husband repeatedly shouts fuck you.

Like the fact that you have porn plastered all over your bedroom walls and have clearly never ever had a girlfriend, not to mention sex of any kind, in your life. You make up for it by being super cool because your mate lets you drive his moped really fast (10 mph) around the kids playground, and you like to listen to 90's garage and shout abuse at anyone who happens to walk down your road.

Now I just have to find somewhere to bury the body of the dog that I will inevitably kill if it refuses to stop barking daily at 7am...

Friday, 19 February 2010

Missed Opportunities

When I booked tickets to see Bombay Bicycle Club in December last year, the excitement was bubbling inside my stomach like hot tea that's been drunk too quickly.

When the time finally came to actually seeing the band, 7:00pm on Tuesday 16th February if you were wondering, the lukewarm bubbling had progressed to boiling point.

The evening had all the promise of a great night out. Good friends, great music, a couple of glasses of Tesco's finest £4 bottle of chardonnay (and who says student's can't be classy?). What wasn't so promising was our ability to keep time. We figured that the doors to the gig would open at 7. There were two support acts up first who we weren't too bothered about and therefore reasoned that BBC would make an appearance at 10pm at the earliest.

Misjudged it.

When we turned up at half nine after a few more than two glasses of wine, we weren't even surprised to hear we had missed the band. Of course we had, what the hell did we think would happen. We spent about an hour taking the piss out of pervy old men and their wrinkly willies on chat roulette. (Why has this become a new pre-drinking tradition!?)

What we did not need to hear upon stepping out of the cab were the words "they were amazing, you missed such a good show!" Thanks guys, I'll keep that in mind for when a time machine is invented and your opinion is helpful in affecting my choice of memory to re-live.

Words cannot do justice to the anger, embarrassment, and upset I felt at missing the band.

I vowed not to make the same mistake ever again, especially not when I go to see Ricky Gervais at the end of April...

Oh what's that Uni? You've set TWO exams for the day after? Absolutely bloody fantastic. Looks like my share of luck for this year has already dried up...and its not even March.

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Have a Sherry on Shreeve

"I didn't go to Uni", says James Shreeve with a hint of regret in his voice. He has been able to work his way to the top of his profession but he is still not satisfied. "I finished school and I needed to make money. I'd spent my teenage years washing up in pub kitchens so I just sort of fell into working in pubs and restaurants." He hasn't looked back, until now.

Shreeve grew up near Colchester in Essex. He got a job in the kitchen of a pub when he was 16. Cleaning up after people wasn't exactly his ideal career, "but the banter was great and the customer's made it fun, so I got on with it no complaints" he says as he finshes pulling a pint of Guinness.

This December will see Shreeve's fourth anniversary as manager of The Case is Altered. "I love this pub. You couldn't ask for a better pub to work in. We've got a great bunch of staff and some really great customers." Yet behind his cheeky smile it is clear James wants more. The Case is Altered comes under the chain of The McManus Pub Company, or as James casually calls it "the boss". What has made Shreeve's career rise so quickly is that he's not happy until he can call himself "the boss". "I would like to own my own place. Look, I've made enough money for other people, I just think it's about time I made some for myself."

Shreeve moved to Ruislip, North-West London, when he got offered the job as manager of the small traditional English pub. It's described as the heart of the community. The list of locals who regularly drink at The Case is longer than the list of fine wines. "There are not many pubs in the area for locals to go to. It's all about young people getting a cheap drink before they go out, there's no social contact between the customer and the landlord anymore."

A few pubs in the area have been shut down for various reasons, including drunken teenage brawls. Pubs that were once proud to be called "the local". It is the difference between these types of pub and The Case which sets it apart. For James, the best thing about his pub is the social aspect, "it sort of keeps up the community spirit."

He looks forward to the winter season when more of the locals come in on their own for a pint. The real reason he got into pub work in the first place, he says, was because he liked chatting to people.

Yet Shreeve doesn't come across as a party guy with loads of friends. He is quiet and softly spoken. His arms, when they arn't pulling pints, are crossed or tightly tucked into his jean pockets. He talks of how he loves to chat but he's not big on loud music. When two young children run through the pub screaming and giggling, James tells them off. I expect he is joking and laugh. The look he directs at the parents suggests otherwise. He mutters under his breath, "what is this, a creche?"

The young bar staff Joe and Chris tell of how, when the football is on, he turns the volume up slightly on the TV. Otherwise it will stay turned off or occaisonally, when X Factor is on, James will let them watch it on mute. They don't complain though, they love working at the pub. "You don't mind doing what James asks because he doesn't force you to do anything," Chris, 19, explains. "He's just one of those people you have respect for because he's so relaxed and lets you have a laugh." Joe recently turned 20 and James let him use the barn area of the pub as a private room for him and some mates. In the boys' opinion, James is best described as "easy going".

Shreeve lives above the pub in a small flat but the pub is where he spends most of his time. He describes it as his living room. "I don't even use my kitchen much anymore. In the morning I come down here for a coffee before we open." When locals come into the pub, he feels as though he's got his mates round for a drink.

One regular customer who would call himself James' mate is Bob Jones. "You want a quiet pint and a bit of a chat, James is your man...if you want to have fun you can bugger of somewhere else!" Bob visits the pub almost every night of the week. "I wouldn't come here if I didn't like the place. I don't think I'd like to go anywhere else, it's here or at home and I'd rather not spend an evening with the missus if I can help it." Bob's proud expression while he utters this sentence is marred only by the fact that he later speaks up about how "the missus" would rather have him out the house too, if he's honest.

Shreeve feels that his customers, like Bob, are what make the pub what it is. "Men will come in for a pint 4, 5, 6 days a week sometimes..." he looks over his shoulder and back at me with a smile. "I see more of these guys than their wives do."

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Under the weather...

You can't go out in this weather! Don't you know they were closing airports earlier?

Right thanks for that mum, except I wasn't exactly planning on getting a plane home tonight...

This conversation, or one similiar, was repeated in households all over the country last week after the snow repeatedly fell on days when people were planning to go out. It happened three times in the same week for me. The first being the night I had arrived home from uni looking forward to going out with friends I hadnt seen in three months, only to find Jack Frost had exploded all over London.

At what age did snow stop being fun? Call me scrooge if you want to, but dont get me wrong I used to love snow. I loved snow fights, snow men, snow boots...all when it meant I got a day off school. When I didnt want to go anywhere. When I didnt fall over infront of random people in the street and make noises no one should ever have to hear.

After explaining to my mother that I was going out with everyone, she looked at me as if I had just told her I was pregnant and eloping to India.

"That's such a stupid idea, the roads are treacherous, people were being evacuated off buses earlier, you'll never get back, no taxis will be running, you'll be stranded in the snow, you will probabaly freeze!"

Then she made one final point, which I think is my favourite; "well I wouldn't if I was you, I'd rather be anywhere else than at a club tonight." Mother, you would rather be anywhere else than at a club any night of the week. You haven't stepped foot inside a bar since 1987. You still haven't realised no one refers to a DJ as "disco" anymore. And before you ask mum, no, DJ does not stand for dinner jacket...

So I went out and it was absolutely fine and I didnt even fall over on the ice or anything...I did however fall over an electric radiator when I got home in the dark. I told my mum about this the morning after, surprisingly she didn't agree when I said it would have been safer if I had stayed out all night.

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

A Christmas tree made of Astroturf? Not exactly a Christmas tree then is it…

When shoppers have to question what planet a green object has flown down from you know something's not right.

According to health and safety regulations, the witches hat of green turf is exactly what is needed to spread some Christmas cheer. It is safe because it has no trunk so it won't blow over, and no branches that might fall off, or needles that might, heaven forbid, poke someone in the eye as they walk past. All in all it doesn't have any of the characteristics of a Christmas tree. But it is very safe.

So what are all the locals getting upset about?! They stuck a CD player in the middle of it to play Christams carols over and over and over and over and over and over again. You couldn't do that in a real tree, those busy bodies need to be grateful for what they've got. Even if what they've got cost them £14,000 of their hard earned cash and looks like something out of The Wizard of OZ.

The Poole shopping centre has now put up their own REAL Christmas tree with branches and needles and a trunk and lights and decorations and everything - and in the wind! There have been no reported deaths yet, but it's surely only a matter of time.

Thanks to Poole council I know that this year I should just build a mountain of green marshmallows and stick a star made of cotton wool on top. But what if the star falls off and someone chokes on it? It's a vicious cycle. Perhaps we should just abandon Christmas decorations all together. Those holly wreaths are dangerously prickly, candles are an obvious fire hazard, and what if the pins used to hold up christmas cards come loose and fall on granny's head?

These issues are irrelevant though. We are all forgetting the real reason for Christmas. The true meaning of celebrating. To praise the Heavenly Father.

Father Christmas.

Sunday, 1 November 2009

Falling over Water


The excitement probably started on the Monday when a group of us had gone for a couple of drinks at Inferno. Two snakebites for £2.50? Now there's an offer I cant refuse. "I cant believe it's Halloween on Saturday?!" and "you should come to Milly's house party!" and suddenly I had signed my face away without even realising it.

On Friday we went outfit shopping. I have to admit, I get very excited about dressing up. Not in a kinky way...im less sex kitten more fat cat. I'm the Cady Heron to your Regina George. Now already having decided on bats for our costumes the task would seem pretty easy. We scoured the charity shops of Bournemouth town, and although I was unable to find anything bat like I did notice a fetching fur coat and some beautiful red slippers. I was getting side tracked. We had a task and we needed to carry it out, problem is me and my partner in crime are in fact female and without realising it we became increasingly interested in false eyelashes and far less interested in bat wings. "ERRRRR bin bags!?!" of course. It was genius. The fail safe used-every-year-by-my-mum-because-she-refused-to-buy-me-a-Woolworths-outfit black bin liner. We had our costume sorted and with false eyelashes and black lipstick in hand we were ready to roll.

I think the problems really began when I woke up at 2pm on Saturday and had a massive craving for a cup of tea. No milk in the fridge, no problem. I ran down to co-op and while I was there I got a bottle of Rose that was on offer. It would be rude not to surely? When I got home I had some tea and toast. It was 3pm. Thats not enough time to squeeze two more meals is it? The girls were coming round at six and for once in my life I was ready on time. I ate some pasta. Thats two meals. We were going for pre drinks at a friends house before the party but theres no harm in having a tipple while you get ready is there?! Wrong. We were having pre drinks to our pre drinks.

By the time we turned up at pre drink party number two it's fair to say we were reasonably merry. Our outfits were great, our hair was big and we were very excited about the party. Two more drinks, a couple of snowmen and a half naked boy later and we were good to go. I say good...

The memory blurs a little but im sure I didn't plan on slipping down a steep verge and smashing my lip against the pavement. Luckily my comfy beer jacket prevented any pain but I was a little shaken at the blood pouring from my mouth. "We're going home". I was mortified. Why would I be so stupid? "I've ruined your evening haven't I?!". It turned out the girls just wanted to come home and have pizza anyway.

At the breakfast table the next morning it still hadn't sunk in. "It definately looks a lot better, a lot less like a duck...". My friends are very sweet but there is no fooling me. I looked like I had been in a fight with a large sharp object. I had grazes on my hands and chest and I could see my lip out of the corner of my eyes whenever I looked down. Its fair to say it was massive. And bloody painful. My lip didnt hurt last night, now everything did.

Im planning on not drinking alcohol again for a while. My dad said I had been drinking "falling over water". He's such a hoot. Im hoping next Halloween isn't quite so scary.