A Christmas tree made of Astroturf? Not exactly a Christmas tree then is it…

When shoppers have to question what planet a green object has flown down from you know something's not right.

According to health and safety regulations, the witches hat of green turf is exactly what is needed to spread some Christmas cheer. It is safe because it has no trunk so it won't blow over, and no branches that might fall off, or needles that might, heaven forbid, poke someone in the eye as they walk past. All in all it doesn't have any of the characteristics of a Christmas tree. But it is very safe.

So what are all the locals getting upset about?! They stuck a CD player in the middle of it to play Christams carols over and over and over and over and over and over again. You couldn't do that in a real tree, those busy bodies need to be grateful for what they've got. Even if what they've got cost them £14,000 of their hard earned cash and looks like something out of The Wizard of OZ.

The Poole shopping centre has now put up their own REAL Christmas tree with branches and needles and a trunk and lights and decorations and everything - and in the wind! There have been no reported deaths yet, but it's surely only a matter of time.

Thanks to Poole council I know that this year I should just build a mountain of green marshmallows and stick a star made of cotton wool on top. But what if the star falls off and someone chokes on it? It's a vicious cycle. Perhaps we should just abandon Christmas decorations all together. Those holly wreaths are dangerously prickly, candles are an obvious fire hazard, and what if the pins used to hold up christmas cards come loose and fall on granny's head?

These issues are irrelevant though. We are all forgetting the real reason for Christmas. The true meaning of celebrating. To praise the Heavenly Father.

Father Christmas.

Falling over Water

The excitement probably started on the Monday when a group of us had gone for a couple of drinks at Inferno. Two snakebites for £2.50? Now there's an offer I cant refuse. "I cant believe it's Halloween on Saturday?!" and "you should come to Milly's house party!" and suddenly I had signed my face away without even realising it.

On Friday we went outfit shopping. I have to admit, I get very excited about dressing up. Not in a kinky way...im less sex kitten more fat cat. I'm the Cady Heron to your Regina George. Now already having decided on bats for our costumes the task would seem pretty easy. We scoured the charity shops of Bournemouth town, and although I was unable to find anything bat like I did notice a fetching fur coat and some beautiful red slippers. I was getting side tracked. We had a task and we needed to carry it out, problem is me and my partner in crime are in fact female and without realising it we became increasingly interested in false eyelashes and far less interested in bat wings. "ERRRRR bin bags!?!" of course. It was genius. The fail safe used-every-year-by-my-mum-because-she-refused-to-buy-me-a-Woolworths-outfit black bin liner. We had our costume sorted and with false eyelashes and black lipstick in hand we were ready to roll.

I think the problems really began when I woke up at 2pm on Saturday and had a massive craving for a cup of tea. No milk in the fridge, no problem. I ran down to co-op and while I was there I got a bottle of Rose that was on offer. It would be rude not to surely? When I got home I had some tea and toast. It was 3pm. Thats not enough time to squeeze two more meals is it? The girls were coming round at six and for once in my life I was ready on time. I ate some pasta. Thats two meals. We were going for pre drinks at a friends house before the party but theres no harm in having a tipple while you get ready is there?! Wrong. We were having pre drinks to our pre drinks.

By the time we turned up at pre drink party number two it's fair to say we were reasonably merry. Our outfits were great, our hair was big and we were very excited about the party. Two more drinks, a couple of snowmen and a half naked boy later and we were good to go. I say good...

The memory blurs a little but im sure I didn't plan on slipping down a steep verge and smashing my lip against the pavement. Luckily my comfy beer jacket prevented any pain but I was a little shaken at the blood pouring from my mouth. "We're going home". I was mortified. Why would I be so stupid? "I've ruined your evening haven't I?!". It turned out the girls just wanted to come home and have pizza anyway.

At the breakfast table the next morning it still hadn't sunk in. "It definately looks a lot better, a lot less like a duck...". My friends are very sweet but there is no fooling me. I looked like I had been in a fight with a large sharp object. I had grazes on my hands and chest and I could see my lip out of the corner of my eyes whenever I looked down. Its fair to say it was massive. And bloody painful. My lip didnt hurt last night, now everything did.

Im planning on not drinking alcohol again for a while. My dad said I had been drinking "falling over water". He's such a hoot. Im hoping next Halloween isn't quite so scary.